Raw: Wasted Time

There are a good number of you who say I haven’t wasted fifteen years of my life, that it was all prep work for the next life, that I learned from it and now can choose my next partner more honestly. I love you people and… I can’t say you’re wrong as much as I want to. Three days ago I would have vehemently disagreed but something amazing is happening because of this blog. People are reaching out with their stories and wanting to hear mine. Friends from long, long ago are coming forward with pure and heartfelt words. People are telling me that what I’m writing is exactly how they feel/felt. So that means my plan worked. I wanted the act of opening myself to you all to do exactly that so I will see it through.

I am NOT comfortable with mortality. I’m doing what I can to stay healthy mentally, dietarily, physically, and emotionally because I want to live my longest life in good health. Losing those fifteen years at the age that I lost them, I mean, I just feels like that was the best time in my life that should have been spent with the ultimate, the one. Now what does the next one get, a twice divorced menopausal woman? Did he get my best years? Does the next person get… fucking leftovers? I don’t like wasting anything, especially my time, energy, and emotions.

Many have reached out who are still harboring intense pain from the divorces that they suffered. They, like me, are mourning the lost time. And oh my goodness, so many narcissists in these stories. How can I comfort those of you who have been the victims of narcissists? It feels like nothing I say will work because I did not walk through that same fire. But, I know that you are beating yourselves up in a similar way. I have said to myself: how could you have been so blind, how could you let someone treat you that way, why did you put up with it for so many years, why on earth did you believe that this person was the love of your life, etc. etc. (A good therapist asked me that last question when I told her what had happened. She figured out so much of my shit in 3 sessions and I did so much quick healing with her. I guess all therapists aren’t bad but dang was she expensive. You get what you pay for though, huh?) I recognize that this is futile self-harm yet I can’t stop thinking this way. DAILY. Obviously I have work to do here.

You might need to try a technique that I am dreading. I wish I could remember where I saw it. Essentially, when you start beating yourself up, you’re supposed to stop and record yourself comforting a hypothetical friend with the same problem and then play it to yourself. Like most bullshit similar to this it’s making me tear up just typing about it. Forgiving myself will be the hardest. Yes, I’ll fucking blog about it when I do it.

Moving on, let me tell you about my “Life in Weeks” calendar. I woke up a couple of weeks ago and fired up instagram. I saw this guy on a podcast, a doctor, talking about the calendar. I knew I had to have it. He was saying something about it being morbid for some people but I find it glorious. There are a few different brands. I found a cheaper option here: https://store.waitbutwhy.com/products/life-calendar and it gets even cheaper if you buy in bulk, which I just did. I have a few extra on hand if you think you’ll benefit from it. I’m happy to gift it and encourage you to pay it forward.

This brand of calendar goes up to 90 years though I plan to live past 100. Oh. What is it? Right! It’s a poster with a gazillion organized squares on it, each representing a week in your life. Fill in the ones you’ve already lived. Now you have a visual reference or how much time you’ve lived and how much time you have left if you live to be exactly 90. It’s a kick in the pants. It’s a reminder to live your life fully. A reminder to live with someone who keeps your heart full. A reminder to choose someone who is your equal. A reminder to stop wasting time. There’s a few brands out there that let you adjust your termination date. Like I said I’ll be living past 100, thank you, but I still plan to live forever.

Many asked me how I felt filling it out and how I felt afterwards and if it was all I expected it to be. Yes. I love it. It’s stark reality. I filled it out in a hurry and it took about an hour and a half. My arm was TIRED. If I were to do it again, I’d pull out all my photos and memorabilia and try to look at it all chronologically as I go. It would be the best trip down memory lane ever. In doing it with purpose you celebrate and assess the good and bad of the life you’ve already lived. In fact, this would be a great project to do in tandem with the next one – the true love of my life. This is also a good time to say, “Ok, what did I do good and what could I have done differently? Am I living my fullest life? What held me back in the past? What’s holding me back now? What buttons do I need to push to slip into life’s sweet spot?” This calendar puts you squarely in front of your remaining time and it is one hell of a motivator that screams, “You have one life. What are you going to do with it?”

Thank you all for being here with me during this emotional time. I love you and I trust you.

~Sue Anne