Raw: Going Nuclear

I mentioned in the previous post that I was waking up from 2-4AM and taking on all the projects. Of course the moment I would wake up my brain would start spinning with no relief in sight. So, in the early morning processing of grief and loss I discovered the dark calling of workaholism. Hey at least it was productive, right? I could have turned to drugs, alcohol, self-pity, politics, or developed some stupid obsession with the then soon to be ex. Thank a goat I’m smart enough to know when it’s over. I have my pride. Going nuclear is the only answer. (Ask me privately about my favorite meme that I use when addressing this very sentiment.)

I’m a list maker. I now have an inordinate amount of clipboards and lists hanging in the shop and the hallway. I have monthly house checklists, a dry erase board for each car, a dry erase board of current tasks, clipboards of monthly goals, workout goals, weekly goals, daily habits. What? Do I do them all regularly? HAHAHAHA… no. But I have the intention of building these habits little by little.

Divorce. Is. Terrible. I only wish it on my enemies. You will find that you touch every last part of your life in some way: your finances, the things you own, your social media. In a way it’s good though, because it’s a life audit. I also decided I need to touch everything in the house: every square inch of it inside and out. That involves both cleaning and painting. So there I was at 2AM, on a ladder in the kitchen, dusting the tops of things. I decided that every last piece of him must go, down to the molecular level. This house has never been cleaner. I still need to take out all the vents, pressure wash, and paint them because there are most likely some offending skin flakes in there.

This is not new but it only happens in bad break ups. A counter-example; I found a few images of the ex-ex when I was going through a giant box of photos and laughed. Regarding this current split, I will never smile again when reminded of him. So. I got rid of about 95% of everything that he ever gave me. ALL photos also gone. They cause me pain. Gone. Everything must go.

I can’t prevent him from coming here, but I’ve looked for every possible way to prevent him and most of who he’s related to from finding me. It’s really painful but I need a complete split. I take no pleasure in this. I see it as part of my healing. I’m taking the stranger he became in these last few years and carrying that all the way forward. They say once they’re a stranger to you, you are fully healed. I have a vested interest in my health and happiness so making him a stranger asap is vital.

Those of you in the closet about your terrible marriages or those of you in the middle of divorce, consider this: There is no need to bring more pain into an already painful place. If you’re in an abusive relationship or one with a narcissist or someone else that is causing you trauma, I think it’s still better, even if only for you, to duck out with grace and not exacerbate the situation. Definitely get out ASAP if it’s the latter. I’m sure there are help groups out there for that.

I hope this never happens to you, my readers. If you have a big heart the pain is unbearable. Your path will be different than mine but in my next post I am going to share all of the resources that are working for me.

Love and healing, Sue Anne

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