When I decided spontaneously to embark upon this chapter of this blog the words started flowing immediately. They haven’t stopped either. When I finish one I simply move to the next, as I am now. On the day I decided I’d share this whole experience live, I sat in my office during lunch and spilled at least forty topics onto a piece of paper. Today, on my walk at dawn, I realized I am in a free fall after all the rights of official passage were completed last week… and I don’t know what that means for me. I have been writing about things that happened in the past with my current eyes and reflecting on them. I’ve been writing about future things and planning for them. Today, I write about what’s happening to me now, in this moment. I’ll still have to reference the past and maybe muse about the future, but this, today, is unexplored territory happening in real time.
You all have watched me tear apart my house and put it back together again. Same with the shop, the yard, my sanity, some cars, etc. The anxiety and pain focused me and these tasks helped me to manage these feelings. I had January through May on a dry erase board with count down dates until the day the sixty day waiting period for divorce was up. There were similar dates counting backwards for the day my loan rate would expire and dates for the refi. I also had count down dates to the times I knew I would have to see him. I told myself “Whew! This is the last time I will ever have to see him because everything else can happen online.” Nope. I had to keep seeing him again and again and the anticipation was nerve wracking. I never knew which version of him I was going to get.
The amped up cocktail of fight or flight drugs my body has been dosing itself with had slowed down to a trickle and I… think it has stopped. I’d better not get fucking depressed now that I am free. I spent too much time feeling that way during my marriage. (If you recall previously, I stopped taking depression meds halfway through the divorce process.) I still have a list of projects that will last me a lifetime and I am hoping to tackle many of them over the summer… but… the energy has waned and with it my productivity has slowed. I don’t want to lose productive me!
You’ve also read about my lists. Those help keep me focused and I’m going to have to rely on them if I plan to rise from this like a Phoenix. I mean, I guess that’s what I’ll do. This past week was truly the end. The divorce was final, the papers were issued, the house was refinanced at terrible rates (hello beans and rice), and I had a bunch of dear women over to help me celebrate a new beginning. I knew how much those dates meant to me mentally but I didn’t anticipate how I would react when they passed. Now what? Free fall. I am officially free and I am falling. But… haven’t I been free falling all this time since right before Thanksgiving? Maybe even slightly before then? That’s when the uncertainty began. That’s when I had the rug yanked out from under my feet.
This is a blow. With milestones behind me these unforeseen emotions have consumed me. And I know you all have figured this out long before I did but I think I’m the one causing myself the most harm. I steamrolled my parents on the phone when they tried to help. I heard myself admit to my gym girlz that I couldn’t win with myself and I cried. Do y’all remember how I feel about crying? It’s so much worse in public or in front of people. (Side story: When the ex and I would watch movies at home or in the theater, if he chose the movie and it made me cry, he would lose movie choosing privileges until I trusted him not to pick a shitty movie that would make me cry again. Even though it’s not movies making me cry, I’m going to have to revoke my own movie choosing privileges.) I KNOW. I KNOW crying is fine but I don’t like the loss of control. I did my time crying for three goddamn months and I don’t think he deserves any more tears from me.
I’m so afraid that since I lost my drive (that was a gift, let me tell you) that I’ll waste my summer. I’ll have to start forcing the habits. One legitimate practice is to write down the things you’re thankful for and plan your next day in the evening right before bed. Another proven routine is to be consistent in the mornings. Those are easy enough right? I already have a pretty solid routine in the morning that includes a regular wake up time of 5am (it’s not my choice, it’s my body’s), the same healthy breakfast I’ve eaten almost daily for as long as I can remember, writing, and I’ve added long walks at dawn with an audiobook or podcast in my ears. I’ll start with baby steps and I’m going to get through this.
I know this is hard for a lot of you to read: I’m a fixer too, remember? I can easily relate this to bench pressing at the gym. Y’all are my spotters. I’m on my last few reps and I’m struggling with gritted teeth and involuntary noises. You’re reaching for the bar and I say, “No, no, no I got it,” and I do. I promise that when my muscles are fatigued and the bar is on my chest, I will call to you.
Very much raw but not without love for you, ~Sue Anne
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