Raw: Fire/Cleanse

(I’m trying really hard to stay focused on what’s happening within me rather than word vomit the collective vitriol regarding both the way this whole thing went down in addition to the person who started the fire that would burn my life to the ground. I am, however, working on that privately. I may occasionally throw y’all some bright red, livid scraps of incredulity from time to time though. I’m human.)

I never expected to find myself here. This has now become my second failed marriage. The first one was a short five years to a high school friend but we divorced because we wanted each other to be happy. My previous husband and I were actually kinder to each other in the divorce than we were in the marriage and most importantly, it was mutual. I had married this one because I was lonely. 1/10: do not recommend.

But the second one… I married for love, and I gave every fiber of my being to this marriage yet the way in which I was told I was getting “served with divorce papers” was delivered like a curb stomp. In fact, I think I would have rather been curb stomped. That’s the funny thing about emotional pain vs. physical pain, isn’t it?

I had been given no choice other than to accept this fate and all I could see in the road ahead was pain. And it was pain. And it is pain. It is anger, incredulity, loathing, rage, sadness, desperation, depression, shock, fear, uncertainty. It is betrayal, abandonment, disrespect, neglect, cruelty, dishonor. It didn’t have to be that way though. That’s what makes all of these feelings so much worse.

The separation began in November right before Thanksgiving, with some preliminary discussion taking place earlier in the month. That’s when the crying began and it lasted for a solid three months. The majority of the stress came from every time I anticipated having to see or communicate with him. Every time I had to see him to work on separation of property, utilities, and paperwork etc, I had anxiety attacks. I don’t know this person anymore. I don’t trust this person anymore. His words and decisions didn’t make sense to me and were not coming from the person I thought I married. A friend of mine commented that I lost that person a long time ago. I did.

I couldn’t sleep. I had no trouble getting to sleep because I was emotionally exhausted but I couldn’t stay asleep. I still have trouble. I was waking up at 2AM, 3AM, 4AM. There was no point in getting back to sleep so I took on every house and yard project at once. The exterior jobs were physically taxing, involving moving vast amounts of dirt or heavy stones. My lawn tractor was broken so I moved the carts of dirt with my body. I had to stop the cart several times because my muscles were screaming. Sometimes I’d cry on the dirt pile. I still choose physical pain over emotional pain any day. This is what walking through the fire was. It was the mental, physical, and emotional torture of mourning the loss of my loved one and my marriage. It is the grief process. I often wonder if this would have been easier if he died.

There were terrible bouts of full on ugly crying. There was one time where reaching for the doorknob of a recently vacated closet caused me to collapse onto the floor in a sobbing heap. It makes me tear up a little even as I type it now. But then one day, like another friend said it would, the crying stopped. This happened to be after the last time I believed I would have to see him. (I did have to see and deal with him a couple more times but the crying was less intense and didn’t last as long.) And here is the cleanse.

The crying did stop. It stopped for a good few weeks before I had a relapse or two. It’s back, but it’s a different kind of crying. Before it was a sobbing, desperate, heartbroken, turned up to 11 kind of crying. Now the volume is at maybe a 4 or 5 and the loss I am mourning is different. I mourn the loss of time. I was surprised to find myself waking up relieved and happy and I was happier than I’d been in ages. Then I found myself shocked that I was happy and realized oh… there WAS something wrong with the marriage. You see? Here is what I mourn and what I will have a terrible time forgiving myself for. I should have been the one to end it and it should have happened years ago.

A transformation is taking place and I am choosing to share it with you all. It makes me very uncomfortable but this is how I hope to salvage something from the lost time. Perhaps I can turn it into something that might help someone else. There will be more in the coming days about mistakes I made, feelings I had/have, and wishes for you, my readers. I want to say too, how grateful I am for the amazing friends I am surrounded with every day. That helps a lot. If you are struggling with something, please don’t do it alone.

With extra love,

~Sue Anne