Raw: Conflict

I hate fighting. Often I find myself hating something because I don’t do it well. This is one of those times. Again, as an only child, I didn’t learn to fight. I wouldn’t even engage in fights with neighborhood girls and instead would find something to do by myself in my room until they’d come to my window and ask me to come out and play. Still today, I shut down and become silent to avoid conflict. That silence never let me address my needs. In not addressing my needs I dishonored myself and the unspoken boundaries I never outwardly set. (Turns out I had them after all.) In not acknowledging my boundaries, discussions were never had, needs weren’t met, and my relationship was empty and unfulfilling for me. Maybe not the whole fifteen years but most of it. I know why I avoided conflict in this relationship: it was because I feared if we fought it would be over. It turns out I was right.

During the three months of crying I did a lot of writing to try to unpack the reasons why I function (or malfunction) the way I do. I did a lot of writing about conflict and fighting. I asked my parents about fighting and told them how I felt as a child when they fought and I asked them about conflict between their own parents. Whoof. Two polar opposites when it came to my grandparents and both the epitome of dysfunctional. It’s amazing my parents turned out as well as they did, especially my mother. I love you mom.

Here’s a great way to begin an unpleasant discussion: https://therulesofcivilconversation.org/ I’d say print this list and keep it within reach. Review it, “sign” or agree to it, and start the conversation that will hopefully resolve your conflict. I never had a chance to use this because I was the only one who wanted to work on the marriage in the end. Like many of my new relationship tools, I look forward to being able to put these to the test.

AFTER the fight there’s more you can do. Therapy Jeff has this video about a “post fight” debrief. I can visualize this process and feel giddy about the deepening bond that could come from it. Was I so starved of passion and intimacy that I’m now looking forward to fights? Yes. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING? Then, after you’ve talked that shit to death, you get to… make up.

I have learned you must fight. Fighting means you care about something and it can be done with love. That’s healthy! Fighting means you’re a passionate human and the discomfort you’ve been feeling provides the incentive for growth. Because I never learned to fight I never knew this. As you grow together conflict gives you the opportunity to keep reassessing and adjusting your boundaries if necessary. I imagine that people who fight respectfully have marriages that last, or if they don’t last, at least the respect for one another can carry over to a less painful parting.

I still don’t really want to fight, but I’ll do it. For science!

~Love, Sue Anne